Letter to my daughter on her first birthday - It's been one heck of a year!

I can’t believe it’s been a year already. I mean, we just brought her home, like so little ago! Now she is one. ONE you guys!!! How could one feel so huge?

I remember the moments leading up to her birth so clearly, like it was yesterday. My water broke at 4 am on June 19th. I would have instantly woken up Ashish and my parents to share my excitement with them, but the cleanliness freak in me nagged me to clean the mess I had made before waking up anyone. Yup! I was mopping my bathroom floor while I was in labor. 

And today, here I am, mustering up all my strength, and wiping my tears to write her first birthday blog. Ugh! Parenting is a torture. What kind of sickness is this motherhood love? It’s the kind of love that burns up from my chest until it catches in my throat.

Anyways, so here I go

My precious little darling Dia,

I don’t know in what state the world will be when you read this; I can only hope it’s better than how we experienced it when you celebrated your first birthday. You won’t remember but we were in the house a lot. All the time. That was unusual for us.

Your entire first year has been very unusual for us. 

·      You made your first international trip at 6 weeks to Toronto and brought some major luck to you mama. 

·      Throughout your first 4 months, your dad and I were working on a production, and didn’t get much time to spend with you. You were at home a lot with nani.

·      I had an accident when you were only 4 months old and I had to discontinue breastfeeding because holding you was excruciatingly painful. I took this one the hardest because I was robbed the pleasure of holding you. 

·      As things got a little better, and I was gaining enough strength to hold you again, I had to undergo a surgery, and that meant I just had to hold off cuddling you for a little longer. Thankfully your nani was here throughout, giving you enough cuddles for both of us. 

·      And then came the most unusual event. A pandemic hit us. A PANDEMIC. And we’ve been quarantined since then. 

Phew! That was one heck of a year! 

The good thing is, we have been in lockdown for 3 months now, and have made up for all the time we spent apart. It’s been a delight being stuck at home with you. 

You, my love, are something special. So, so very special. And not special like you have to be because you’re my daughter, but because there’s something so unique and magical about you. You have the ability to lighten up every room and you make every situation brighter. You are quite possibly the “angel baby” that every parent dream of, but not just because you’re easy, but because you’re wonderful to be around. 

This pandemic has been rough on you, and you’ve forgotten what people (beyond the 4 of us) look like, so now you get anxious when you see another human being. But I’m sure once we are out of this pandemic, you will get back to your usual -happiest-baby-on-this-planet self. 

There is no question that your favorite person in the world is your big brother.  You LOVE your bhaiya. All day long you follow him around and try to play with him. Nothing fascinates you more than watching him play silly and laugh uncontrollably. You both play so well together and have an incredible bond. He drags you with your feet all across the corridor and you giggle throughout. He even rolls you on the floor with his head pretending like you are some soccer ball, and you give the best laughs. He is crazy about you. 

My birdie, I want you to know that you I am not perfect (hard to imagine, I’m sure) but I’m trying to be the best mom I can be. I can only hope as we walk through life, that you will see my imperfections loudly enough to not make the same mistakes in your own upcoming years, but equally, I hope you see how hard I’m trying. I’ve never worked so hard at anything in my life. I want to teach you to stand on your own two feet and make decisions for yourself. I want you to feel supported while being independent. Be a leader and follow your heart. Always, ask questions. Explore. And always remember to laugh along the way. Your dad, bhaiya and I, along with your grandparents, uncles, aunts, and well-wishers are here rooting for you. 

I want to protect you with all my existence. Pain and owies. Cold and illness. Bullies. Social media. Heartbreak. School. Chubbiness and mean kids. Even though my love wants to put you in a bubble, I won’t. I promise. You might get mad at me, but we can take it. We’re stuck together, remember?

Dia, I want you to know how loved you are. Your dad and I love you to the moon and back, around the world and back, with every inch of our heart. 

Ugh! There’s that damn love bound up in my throat again.

As you can probably tell, forty weeks inside my belly wasn’t enough time to prepare my heart for the magnitude of “motherly love”. I’m convinced that’s why moms cry so much. Because we have so much love in us, it can’t possibly fit all inside our bodies, so we overflow. That’s what tears are, joy exploding out of our eyes like liquid confetti.

I guess what I’m trying to say is: I am so grateful that you chose me to be your mom.

Happy birthday my love,

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PS: CALL YOUR MOM EVERYDAY

Letter to my son on his 5th birthday

If you’ve followed my blog, you know that I write letters to Ansh on his birthdays. These letters are part therapy and part savoring memories. I’m not sure if he will ever read these, or if anyone reads these, but I sure revisit them on every birthday and cry my eyes out remembering each of those moments. It doesn’t help that I’m an emotional wreck around this time already (Note to self, I need a good waterproof mascara)! 

So, here’s my letter to my baby boy on his 5th birthday

5 years year ago today, your dad and I received a precious gift – one that made our family rich and whole. You were almost 3 days overdue and to be completely honest, I was getting a little impatient… okay maybe more than just a little. Your dad was convinced that you were going to arrive on his birthday and that’s exactly what happened. The perfect birthday present, he said.

It's hard to believe it’s been 5 years already.  Every year on your birthday, I look back at all of the photos I have of you (basically 1 million of them), and I cry. Some are sad tears because you are growing up entirely way too fast, but mostly happy tears. I am just so thankful that God blessed me to be your mom. 

Your dad and I are so very proud of you and all that you have accomplished in just 5 short years. I still can’t name all the 50 types of dinosaurs! You teach me something new about transformers every day. I truly am amazed at how much knowledge that you hold inside. Your latest obsession has been watching wildlife on TV, and you educate me every moment. “Mama, did you know fisher spiders can walk on water?”

·       You have taught me that trash day is the best day of the week, and that building sandcastles inside the house is so freeing. 

·       Before you, I had no idea how messy one tiny human can be even if only given noodles.

·       You have taught me that a dinosaur and a lion have different roars, and there’s nothing greater than watching a transformer transform on YouTube.  

·       You have taught me how to slow down. I still can’t understand how it can take someone 20 minutes to get up from the couch and another 20 to put socks on. 

·       You teach me the joy that comes from a good belly laugh and how funny it is to do practical jokes on Daddy, like sneaking up on him and tickling him.

I want to always remember the way you smell your donuts, and the enthusiasm you show in picking out your birthday cake. You can’t wait for your sister to grow up, so you can share a bunk bed with her, and you ask me every day, “Is she big enough now?”. You don’t like to sleep in your race-car bed anymore because it’s not a ‘regular bed’, instead you sleep in your tent. 

When asked why you love your mama, you reply, “because she loves me”. I love the love that you have for your mama (even though it might seem conditional for now) and I pray that never changes. I will try harder to not smother you with my hugs and kisses, but it’s hard to resist every time I see you. I want you to know that the hugs and cuddles may get fewer and far between, but my love for you will never change. No matter how old you get, you will always be mommy's little boy. In me you will always have a safe place. 

It doesn't matter that I'm not any good. You don’t care, because you just want to be with me. 

When I watch you play tag or hide and seek with your little sister, my heart just melts into a giant puddle. 

I love to watch you tell jokes or make silly faces. And when you think your joke worked, you tell it over and over again with the same enthusiasm. 

I love your dance moves and the funny things you say every day. I’m listing some of them down here because they’re so precious:

·       The other day I was hugging you tight while you were trying to sleep and you said, “Mom, can you please stop breathing? You’re tickling me”.. hahaha I just had to write this one down J

·       The other day, you were helping me take trash out and you said, “It’s okay mama, you can do it”

·       When I asked you to play outside, “But mom, I’m a little dizzy with all the TV that I’ve been watching”. Me, “Then probably you shouldn’t watch so much TV”. You, “My old mama would have never said that to me”

·       You keep saying, “Hey! What’s the big idea?”

·       You make up stories about your old grandpa and your old mama. Apparently, they look like your grandpa and you mama, just with different phone covers. 

Next year you will go to Kindergarten and I know you think it’s funny when I say, “YOU STOP GROWING!” But Pleeeeease. Time slow down just a little bit. You will make new friends rather than just accepting the ones I “make” you play with. You will start to make “big boy” choices on your own and I will sit on the side praying and cheering for you. You will make great memories, but I also know you will have some painful memories. Kids will be mean. You’ll do something that makes you feel embarrassed, and I know that letting you grow up means also letting your heart experience a little bit of brokenness. That’s the part I’m not ready for. I guess, if there was one thing, I could say to encourage you on your birthday it would be this:

Be confident in who you are, know that you are so loved, and just keep being YOU. You are one awesome kid and you’ve made this Mama so proud. 

With crazy love that makes me nuts inside. 

Love,

Mama

Read my letters to my son on his first birthday, second birthday, third birthday, and fourth birthday.