Friday, June 3, 2016

One year old... I'm a bag of mixed emotions today

It’s been a year of this parenting gig. My baby boy is no longer an infant, he is now considered a “Toddler”. I never would’ve thought that I would be struggling with this wonderful milestone, especially since I have been planning his 1st birthday since we found out we were having a boy (or maybe even before I became pregnant ;)). Today, I received my weekly “baby-development” message from babycenter.ca saying, “It is perfectly normal for parents to feel a mixture of pride at seeing how far you’ve come and sadness at how quickly your little one has gone from baby to toddler.” I’m so glad that I still subscribe to these updates. Its messages like this one that ease my worry that maybe I haven’t gone completely mad. If this white screen were a piece of paper, it would have wet wrinkly puddles of tears on it.
 
This past year with Ansh has been a whirlwind and has gone by way too quickly. Every mom says this, but that’s because it’s true. This year has been so many things. Exciting, happy, fearful, uncertainty, wonder, awe, amusement and so much more. It’s hard to even decide how or where to start explaining the feeling of this past year. To think I never even wanted kids and now we have this little one that I love so much!
 
My baby boy turns one today, and my heart just keeps exploding with fireworks. Every time he smiles, every time his mischievous eyes twinkle. Even in the wee hours of night, I have nothing but love in my heart for his little human.
 
Ansh has been more of a blessing to us than anyone could ever imagine. What a miracle it has been to experience seeing him in my belly as a teeny little spec and a little less than two years later a perfectly sweet and full of personality little boy.
I am pausing to soak up every last moment of this time and taking notes about all the tiny, little things that I love about my baby, who won’t be a baby for so much longer. I’m going to do some mom-bragging now.
I’m so proud of my little man. He is such a happy little boy with an active little mind. He has already accomplished so much. He has been swimming like a champ, he is a star in his music class, sleep trained, potty trained, and he’s very close to walking as well.
Here is a list of other fun Ansh-ism:
·         He loves to stand and has the proudest look on his face when he does. He can even walk along with furniture.

·         He loves climbing up stairs. He is so quick at it that sometimes you won’t even realise the gate was open and he slid from between your legs. He will then look back at you and give you a smile of accomplishment.
·         His favorite things to play with are remotes, the tissue box, credit cards, and garbage bags. We got him a toy remote to play with, but he was quick to figure out that the TV doesn’t operate with this one. He wants the “important” remote that his mom and dad are always fighting for ;)
·         He gives kisses. Not a lot of them, but when he does, he really means it. It melts me.
·         He doesn’t like baby food anymore. He only wants to eat what we eat, unless it’s bland baby food (yeah! We pretend to eat his food, so it would interest him).
·         He crawls at lightning speed, and throws everything lying in his way.

·         He laughs a lot. I haven’t met anyone who isn’t smitten by his laughter.

·         He has recently discovered how to open and close a door. It’s his favorite activity. He can do it all day long and then giggle as he does.

·         His eyes! His eyes are the most gorgeous piece of Gods’ creation ever. His eyelashes go on for miles. People have asked me if I curl his eyelashes ;) And the funniest thing is, he knows how to impress ladies with his eyes. He will bat his eyelashes and the twinkle in his eyes will do the rest.
·         He is the snuggliest baby there ever was

·         This little boy is such a doll! He can play by himself and be perfectly content. Though his time span for every activity is only 15 minutes and then needs a new place/ toy/ activity (I don’t mind entertaining him all day). He is the ultimate curious little person, observing anything and everything around him.
·         He loves to read books. He turns each page as if he is on a mission to find out what happens next.
Okay, I could go on and on and on, but you probably don’t really care. To be fair, I warned you that I was going to do some mom bragging.

I’d like to wrap up this first birthday post with a letter to my son:
 
My dear love puddle Ansh,

One year ago today, your dad and I received a precious gift – one that made our family rich and whole. You were almost 3 days overdue and we couldn’t wait to meet you.
If I’m being completely honest, I was getting a little impatient… okay maybe more than just a little. Your dad was convinced that you were going to arrive on his birthday and that’s exactly what happened. The perfect birthday present, he said.

You were an 8.1 pounds, perfectly gorgeous baby with a head full of hair and an infectious smile. I can remember the hours that followed were filled with complete and total bliss. You dad and nani were here to welcome you in person and everybody else on facetime fighting each other to see you. There was so much chaos as to who will hold you next and touch your sweet hands and feet.
Our first night at the hospital, you laid next to me while I watched you sleep. I felt the rhythm of your breathing. I gazed at the precious swoop of your nose, the soft flutter of your eyelashes, the length of your fingers, the curves of your cheeks. I soaked in all the little details of you. I promise I won’t do that when you’re a teenager.

 This has been the fastest year of my life.
It has flown by at such a speed that tears come to my eyes and my love-swollen heart silently sobs. How on earth are you one, my dear? I miss your tiny newborn body and its gentle weight as you lay on my chest. I miss your bobble head. I remember crying when I put away your newborn clothes. I didn’t want you to grow up. I remember telling your dad that you grow with every nap.
Yet I’m overjoyed you are a year old. I am so enjoying watching you grow and learn and play—and figuring out new twists of your personality—that I can only pretend to envision what our next year just might bring. I hope it goes more slowly.
How can I tell you how much I love you? How is any gift, or birthday cake or party enough to display to a child the enormous amount of love that a mother carries inside of her? It’s not. Though I really hope you enjoy your first birthday party. I’ve been planning it forever and I’m trying my best to make it a grand celebration.

There’s so much I want to say to you, so I do- when we’re rocking. Dozing off to sleep. Bath time. Massage time. Driving. You won’t remember any of those moments, so let me write them down. Maybe if I’m lucky you’ll read this when I’ve taken away your car because you’ve lost your damn teenage mind.

First thing first,, I want you to know how loved you are. Your dad and I love you to the moon and back, around the world and back, with every inch of our heart. I have this thing where I obsessively watch your breathing. Parenting is a torture. What kind of sickness is this motherhood love? It’s the kind of love that burns up from my chest until it catches in my throat.
You are also surrounded by grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends, admirers and well-wishers who love you like their own child. You are so fortunate to have this fortress of love around you.
When I breastfeed you (we had a rough start in the beginning- you can thank me with a Mercs when you get older), I like to place my hand on your head and stroke your cheek with my finger. It’s my favorite time to pray for you.
I want you to know that you I am not perfect (hard to imagine, I’m sure) but I’m trying to be the best mom I can be. I can only hope as we walk through life, that you will see my imperfections loudly enough to not make the same mistakes in your own upcoming years, but equally, I hope you see how hard I’m trying. I’ve never worked so hard at anything in my life. I want to teach you to stand on your own two feet, and make decisions for yourself. I want you to feel supported while being independent. Be a leader, and follow your heart. Always, ask questions. Explore. And always remember to laugh along the way.
There’s that damn love bound up in my throat again.
 I don’t want to freak you out, but there’s more. Our souls are bonded together forever. You’re stuck with me. I’m stuck with you. But you’re an independent person placed here on earth with a job to do completely separate from me. I don’t like this very much. It means there could be times when we are estranged, if you need elbow room to make your own mistakes. Maybe you’ll need to go to Europe to find yourself and you’ll call once a month with a weird tone. Maybe you’ll marry a girl named Baboosha with a teardrop tattoo on her face. Oh boy! I’m getting worked up just thinking about it.
I want to protect you with all my existence. Pain and owies. Cold and illness. Bullies. Social media. Heartbreak. School. Chubbiness and mean kids. Even though my love wants to put you in a bubble, I won’t. I promise. You might get mad at me, but we can take it. We’re stuck together, remember?
 A few more life lessons:
People who respect their elders reap unexpected blessings. If you need kindness, be kind. Feed someone who’s hungry. If you love someone, tell them often. CALL YOUR MOM EVERYDAY.
Because you won’t remember, I’ve written all things down.
My dear Ansh, no matter where you go, we will always be tied together with an invisible yet powerful string. You are deeply and unconditionally loved.
 Happy first birthday and many many more to come.
With a crazy love that makes me nuts inside,

You mama

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