Daycare – Only the hard ones survive

I’m not sure who suffers the most on a child’s first month at daycare. Is it the weeping child, the anxious parent, or the care provider trying to calm the child and the parent?

I can only speak from my perspective, and I’m gonna place my bet on – The parent.

Surviving First Day

Whether you are dropping your infant off for their first day ever away from the wicked awesomeness that is Mommy, or dropping your toddler off for their first day at a new daycare, the first day blows. The first time I dropped Ansh off at daycare, I sat outside his classroom and howled like a fat girl whose cake has been stolen. There were 10 crying kids in the room and somehow I could recognize his cry amongst all others. Yeah, this torture called motherhood, enables your sixth sense to recognize your kid’s voice even in a loud setup. That made me ever more depressed. So I sent a random parent inside to spy on him, who came outside and told me that my kid was sitting in a corner playing with dough, and not crying. “I don’t understand? I can hear him cry”. I was sure that he confused my kid with someone else’s, so I described him Ansh again. “Yeah! The ONLY Indian kid in class right? He is playing and not crying at all”.

Hmmmm…. So my sixth sense wasn’t working so well. But somehow, I didn’t want to believe him. I came home and cried even louder. At this point, I called my parents, my sister, my husband, my friends and everybody else I could think of who could make sense of my mumbling while crying. But none of them said anything different from what I already knew. “It’s good for him”. It’s only when Ansh’s teacher sent me his picture of playing with ball, did I breathe.

Surviving the Germ Pool

No, it’s not just an urban myth that daycares are cesspools of germs. Ear infection, Hand Foot and Mouth, roseola croup, you name it. Daycares are full of sexy- sounding illnesses that will invade your child.

Ansh started daycare 3 months ago. Yes, germ-filled, push-your-kid-off-the-swing set, pay-them-half-your-salary, daycare. And in the last 3 months, this is already his 19^th cold, my 4^th sore throat, and Ashish’s 100^th anxiety attack.

“Is he scratching his ear more than usual?” “How did he bump his head?” “What’s that on his knee?” “Does he look too pale to you?” “There’s something different about his eyebrow today” “He’s missing a hair from his head”… okay, I completely made up the last one, but this is exactly what he sounds like.

In most cases it’s just teething/ cold/ him trying to sap your will to live. That’s when we dose him up with Tylenol and pray that it gets better by the morning. Or for long enough to get to work, pour ourselves a cup of coffee and check our emails before we get The Call.

Surviving The Call

Every mom dreads seeing their daycare’s number come up on their phones. It is never them calling to let you know that your kid is a ray of sunshine and they just wanted you to know how much they love having them. It is daycare calling to let you know that he has hit his head again or that his fever is beyond the magic number of 100.1. And he needs to be picked up. The Call always seems to come when you are right in the middle of something important, like updating your blog. Great! This means, another week of sniffing, coughing, medicines, cranky baby and a cranky husband. Let me publish this post and then I’ll answer the call.

Surviving The Mean Kid

Every daycare has a mean kid. They are the one that you just look at and can see that their tiny beady eyes are filled with mirth. This is the kid that is always pushing, hitting, saying "mine!". You know, the one you have to fight off the urge on a daily basis to tell they are going to grow up with no friends. 

Surviving The Missed Milestone

It is inevitable that since our child is at daycare so often, he will hit some sort of milestone for them and not for us. Really? My baby said his first word/ learnt to eat by himself/ completed his doctoral thesis today? Thanks for letting me know.

Well, my point is, being a daycare mom isn’t a job of the fragile, I-can’t-drive-because-I got-Henna-on moms. If you got henna on your hands, you cover it up with toilet paper and keep moving. Because only the tough ones survive! 

Seattle and Starbucks - The relationship!

So following the trend, we moved to Seattle a few months ago. Whenever I visit a new city, I tend to approach it with the only knowledge I have, and the only knowledge I have often revolves around a popular TV show or a movie. “So it rains all the time, people live in houseboats and ride ferry boats to work?” was my first reaction when Ashish told me that we are moving to Seattle. Cliché, I know. But Tom Hanks had convinced me that Seattle is all about gray skies and rainy days; and McDreamy rode Ferry boats and lived on top of beautiful green hills.

But Seattle is much more than that. Seattle has it all – mountains and beaches, arts and parks, music and film, quirky neighborhoods, award winning restaurants, thriving industries, food and coffee, Oh! so much coffee, Amazon and Starbucks; Microsoft and Starbucks; Boeing and Starbucks; Nordstrom and Starbucks! I guess what I’m trying to say is, this city has everything and then some more, a lot more of Starbucks!

I have never been a coffee drinker, but I have always loved hanging out at coffee houses. I mean, you could hang out at movie theaters, diners, malls, arcades. Each of them are fun in their own way, but each of them have an explicit goal, which once achieved, you are encouraged to leave. Movie’s done? Leave the theater. Dinner’s over? Say Goodnight. Out of money? Oh darn! But Coffee houses are different. Sure, you gotta buy at least one drink, you don’t want to be frowned upon. But after you got the drink in your hands, it’s all about comfy chairs, couches, people to sit and talk with, gaze outside the window, or write a blog post :) And what makes your life even more easier is if you are in Seattle and there’s a Starbucks every 10 steps.

Here’s what I think Starbucks brings to the Seattle culture. In this fast paced, technically advancing, exponentially speeding cybercity, where people can easily feel frazzled and out of sync with their deepest selves, Starbucks slows down the pace, forces them to take a break from their hectic parts of life. To contemplate. To connect with themselves again. To escape the rush.  It’s adds the much needed stability in the lives of  us, Seattleites. That's right, I'm a Seattleite now :)

After wrapping up my daily chores, I come to the Starbucks near my house and work from here. Be it job hunting, updating my websites, networking, socializing or just writing a blog post. I like to sit in my quiet corner and work un-interrupted (and by un-interrupted I mean, not being distracted by Netflix). And sometimes I just observe different people. Now, I’m not a creep spying on random people and their lives, but you can’t ignore the group of senior citizens who come in everyday at 11am and take up an entire table to play poker. They laugh so hard that they scare the little dog who accompanies a petite woman, who I assume gets back from her run and treats herself with a coffee. Then there’s differently abled Jack, who drives in his wheelchair and orders the same Grande Frappuccino, pulls out his straw and sits facing the door while sipping his coffee. He sits there for hours, and sometimes I think he has fallen asleep, but then he quietly smirks at himself, as if he knows exactly what life is about. I wish I had that kind of tranquility. Of course there are new faces every day. Group of new moms who just need to vent, or old friends catching up, or business meetings, or savvy bloggers, or people just taking a break. All these people are so different and distant from each other, yet they have one thing in common – their love for Starbucks. People from all walks of life, brought together by a cup of coffee. Now, that’s something.

Sure, there are many local coffee shops in Seattle and each one of them has a unique feel and caters to different people. Hipsters, Goths, Businessmen, Teenagers, etc. But I believe the reason Starbucks is where it is, is because it caters to each one of them and then some more. My credit card statement shows a lot of transactions in Starbucks now, but I do feel that it’s worth it. Walking down the street with a Starbucks coffee mug in my hand, makes me feel like I belong to this place.

At this point, I would like to make it very clear, that I am not a Starbucks ambassador, and nor do I work for them. Though I won't deny that the thought of working for them hasn't crossed my mind ;)

In a nutshell, If you are in Seattle, take a break, visit your nearest Starbucks, and connect with yourself. 

Economics behind Commercial Leasehold Improvements

I recently came across an article on Leasehold Improvements, otherwise known as Tenant Improvements (TI), and it got me thinking. Looking back at the variety of commercial real estate markets I have studied, I realized there are a few revelations I`ve uncovered that should be analyzed a bit more in order to answer the following questions:

1.      Should the economics driving the determination of fair market rent of commercial properties encompass value of leasehold improvements?

2.      How is leasehold improvement accounted for in the books of tenant? Why is this cost treated as an intangible asset, and amortized?

What are Leasehold Improvements?

Leasehold Improvements are the customized alterations a building owner makes to rental space as part of a lease agreement, in order to configure the space for the needs of that particular tenant. These include changes to walls, floors, ceilings, and lighting, among others. Friends in the residential real estate world might be tempted to confuse this as “staging”. It’s not. In simple words, a rented commercial property may need some work before it’s suitable for a small business. For example, an office business may need cubicles for employees, and a restaurant may need a new kitchen. These are called commercial leasehold improvements.

Before:

After:

Economic Life of Leasehold Improvements

In actual practice, these customized leasehold improvements usually have a useful economic life of 10 to 15 years, which may or may not span the average commercial lease term. Which means that if the lease extends to 15 years, the tenant would have effectively used up the entire economic life of these Leasehold Improvements. However, if the lease was for a shorter term, say 10 years; there would still be a 5 years economic life left for these Leasehold Improvements. Now the question for the building owner is that if they’d like to recycle these leasehold improvements, some of which could have been expensive to install in the first place, or would he demolish them to get the suite back to base building for the next tenant? This could be tricky. To answer the above, we’ll need to understand how the leasehold improvements were expensed for, in the first place. 

Payment Models for Leasehold Improvements

There are four main ways in which a landlord will expense for commercial leasehold improvements:

1.      Tenant Improvement Allowance (TIA) – In most cases, building owner will give the tenant a certain amount of money known as a tenant improvement allowance to make improvements. The tenant usually oversees the work.

I have seen this model being used the most. Most tenants like to control renovations and they are less likely to overrun cost. Especially with large retail tenants like Starbucks, Subway, or Tim Hortons, who prefer a specific design/ model for their outlets, this is their first choice for leasehold improvements.

I am going to use this model for further discussion today, ergo, I’ll elaborate a little more on some basic TIA cost guidelines for typical space improvements:

·     Carpet and paint for an existing unoccupied space: $5 – $7/sf

·     Carpet and paint for an existing occupied space: $8 – $10/sf

·     Minor remodel of an existing unoccupied space (50% or less): $15 – $25/sf

·     Major remodel of an existing space: $35 – $50/sf

·     New construction on a warm shell space (restrooms/lobbies already built): $50 – $65/sf

·     New construction on a cold shell space (no restrooms or lobby yet): $60 – $75/sf

Obviously, these prices are for typical “Building Standard” improvements. Special requirements and high-end finishes will result in higher costs.

2.      Rent Discounts – Here the building owner offers free rent or a discount on rent for a certain number of months (typically, one month per year). Tenant can use the savings to pay for improvements. The tenant usually oversees the work.

3.      Building Standard Allowance “Build Out” – The building owner will offer a package of improvements for every tenant, and they can make selections from the categories offered (e.g. choose one of three types of available flooring). Here the building owner oversees the work.

4.      Turn Key – Tenant submits a design plan showing the improvements they want and cost estimates. The building owner pays for and oversees all the work.

Reusing Leasehold Improvements

Considering the TIA cost model above, let’s assume that on an average a typical Leasehold Improvement would cost the building owner $35-$50 psf. The pro-forma may not always include the entirety of the cost of leasehold improvements, just the quantum building owner provides to the tenant, as it relates to the rent being achieved. The tenant will need to contribute to the cost of the leaseholds as well. Once completed, the total contribution may be somewhere around $50-$100 psf.

What is notable is that this is the second largest cost in a typical pro-forma after the hard costs of constructing the buildings. It is more than land costs per square foot buildable, it is more than soft costs (consultants and development charges), and it is more than site works. It is a significant investment, yet an investment that has the shortest economic life.

Typical lifecycle of a leasehold goes from installation to refurbishment to demolition at the end of lease to new installation per the requirements of new tenant. However, that’s not always the case. Some tenants, on their initial tour of the existing space try to figure out if the floor configuration will suit their requirements, or if the wall surfaces can be salvaged through refurbishment, or if some elements like server rooms, kitchen, and reception area can be reused.

The question really is, should the building owner spend money to demolish the existing leaseholds and start over with new leaseholds in an attempt to appeal to all potential new tenants, or does the building owner retain the existing leasehold with the hope that some of them will appeal to the next tenant and offer a less expensive deal for the same leasehold improvements. 

The answer usually is first option. And so those walls that were costly to install, will be costly to remove, and will be costly to install someplace else. If it is possible to recycle some of those leaseholds improvements, the deal becomes less costly. Those leasehold improvements that could be recycled are potentially a store of value.

It is a little odd that building assessments can produce a schedule for capital expenditures to repair and replace building systems and do not comment on the remaining economic life of the leasehold improvements.

Shouldn`t the appraisers address the remaining economic life of the leasehold improvements in place while assessing the market value of the building?

Accounting of Leasehold Improvements

Until 2004, the Internal Revenue Code (IRC) required that amortization for qualified leasehold improvements occur over the economic life of the building structure itself — 39 years — rather than over the economic life of the improvements. In 2004, tax legislation was enacted that temporarily reduced this 39-year amortization period to 15 years — a period more reflective of the true economic life of leasehold improvements in the modern commercial real estate market. (Ref: "Protecting Americans from Tax Hikes Act of 2015")

The length of time over which assets may be amortized is important for real estate development and investment. Longer amortization periods result in higher capital costs to building owners, creating disincentives for them to upgrade and modernize space for their tenants. An owner of a building making qualified leasehold improvements valued at $100,000 as part of a lease agreement, for example, would recover that investment over 15 years by expensing nearly $6,700 annually (1/15th of $100,000). However, if amortization is spread out over 39-years, then the owner can only recover approximately $2,600 annually of the amount spent on these improvements (1/39th of $100,000) — a cash flow decrease of $4,100 in one year. In other words, an owner recovers his $100,000 investment in qualified leasehold improvements at a rate 2.5 times faster under the 15-year amortization rules when compared to a 39-year amortization schedule

Case Example: Starbucks valuation for Leasehold Improvements

Let’s say Starbucks was to lease a space of 1700 square feet from developer Jane Doe at $25 psf (Fair Market rent of $23 psf) for a term of 10 years, extendable to another 5 years, and it gets a Tenant Improvement Allowance of $30 psf for leasehold improvements. Let’s assume that the lease also includes a restitution clause. That is, it requires Starbucks to return the premises in the state they were found before the installation of leasehold improvements, i.e. back to base building.

a)     If Starbucks decided to renew its lease term and extend it with another 5 years, what factors should be considered to determine the rent for their suite? Should the value of tenant’s leasehold improvements be included in determining the rent payable for the property?

Most common method for determining rent payable at lease renewal is to base the rental rate on the “fair market rent” for the premises. Fair market rent is the rent that would reasonably be obtained by a property owner for similar properties from a tenant dealing in prevailing market, having regard to all relevant circumstances. In this case, even though the fair market rent was $23 psf, the lease was agreed and signed at $25 psf primarily to cover up the cost of tenant allowance furnished by Jane Doe. Assuming that the market escalation is 2% per year, the rent at the beginning of lease renewal (Year 11) should ideally be around $31 psf.

However, to assume that the concept of “fair market rent” results in a convenient negotiation is flawed, as both parties are seeking to achieve divergent results. Jane Doe will search for sources of additional value to achieve the greatest possible rent (approx. $35 psf) and include the value of leasehold improvements to fair market rent, based on the argument that a higher rent can be obtained from a new tenant because of the benefit provided by the leasehold improvements. Arguably, Starbucks will attempt to maintain the rental rate at the same level ($31 psf) on basis that the existing leasehold improvements could be an impediment or redundant to a new tenant if they are not suitable for its use.

The question here is, should the value of leasehold improvements be included in calculating this fair market rent?

There are conflicting views on this. Some cases indicate that tenants will not be required to pay increased rent for a renewal term based on the value of leasehold improvements. This was established in Re Allen and Nasmith (1900). In this case the Court determined that making a tenant pay increased rent based on the inclusion of leasehold improvements made during the term of the lease would “make him pay rent upon a value created by his authorized expenditures, and so diminish the worth of his leasehold estate”. Therefore, the Court stated that when calculating “fair market rent”, the property must be examined in an “as was” condition, being the state of the premises prior to the addition of the leasehold improvements, rather than an “as is” condition.

However, coming to the opposite conclusion, the case of Fire Production Ltd. v. Lauro (2007) (ref: Fire Production V. Lauro (the appeal)) focused on the use of the term “market”. The lease in question provided that all improvements made by the tenant became property of the landlord upon affixation. The renewal provision stated that the rent payable for the renewal term is the “fair market rent” for the premises. The parties were unable to agree on the fair market rental rate and the matter was submitted to arbitration. The arbitrator determined that the value of leasehold improvements should be included in the determination of “fair market rent” stating that the term “market”, in the context of “fair market rent”, is the rent the premises would attract if exposed to the general market at the time of renewal.

In this case, due to the absence of language at the time of negotiating and drafting of lease, the leasehold improvements will likely be excluded in the determination. Ergo, the rent remains at $31 psf. However, when the phrase “fair market rent” is employed, there is a strong case to be made for the inclusion of leasehold improvements in the valuation process.

b)    Leasehold improvements are substantial costs incurred by Starbucks to outfit, remodel, and improve leased retail outlets. Why does Starbucks capitalize and amortize this expenditure? How would Starbucks account for the leasehold improvement costs remaining at the end of a lease it had expected to renew but did not?

Leasehold improvements can be paid for by the tenant out of their own finances, or like in our case, through a tenant allowance furnished by the landlord. Such an allowance is then paid back, in whole or in part, over time by the tenant through an increase in the basic rent payable over the course of the initial term of the lease. Therefore, at the end of the lease term, all leasehold improvements have been paid for either directly or indirectly by the tenant.

In Starbucks’ books, leasehold improvements are amortized over the shorter of their estimated useful lives or the related lease life, in this case 10 years. Starbucks accounts for Asset Retirement Obligations (ARO) under FASB Interpretation No.

47 ("FIN 47"), "Accounting for Conditional Asset Retirement Obligations-an interpretation of FASB Statement No. 143," which it adopted at the end of fiscal 2006. FIN 47 requires recognition of a liability for the fair value of a required ARO when such obligation is incurred. (ref: Starbucks Corporation FORM 8K)

Although leasehold improvements are tangible assets, the tenant records the expense for these improvements with amortization. The reason has to do with residual value. Since, either the landlord retains the ownership of improvements at the end of the lease, or there is no salvage value for the tenant. Therefore, the leasehold improvements are treated as intangible assets and accounted for with amortization. 

In this case, at the end of the lease, Starbucks is contractually obligated to remove all the leasehold improvements in order to comply with the lease agreement. At the inception of the lease with such conditions, Starbucks records an ARO liability and a corresponding capital asset in an amount equal to the estimated fair value of leasehold improvements ($30 psf). This asset is then amortized over a period of 10 years. Upon the satisfaction of the ARO conditions, any difference between the recorded ARO liability and the actual retirement costs (Market value – depreciated value) incurred is recognized as an operating gain or loss in the statement of earnings.

Conclusion

In my opinion, valuation of leasehold improvements is a very contentious area. However, to avoid as much conflict as possible, a few terms should be negotiated while signing of a lease, like:

1.      How will the renewed lease rent be determined for the existing tenant? Should it be based on “as is” or “as was” structure?

2.      Should the building owner try to salvage the leasehold improvements, in order to capture its “additional value” during appraisal of the building?

3.      What measures can the building owner take to maximise the age of such leasehold improvements? Maybe ensure there are tenant improvements that have more universal appeal, particularly for the more expensive items that tenants would prefer to have but may struggle to get included in the budget; or probably install carpet tiles to allow for refurbishment of high traffic areas without having to replace the carpet in its entirety. 

One year old... I'm a bag of mixed emotions today

It’s been a year of this parenting gig. My baby boy is no longer an infant, he is now considered a “Toddler”. I never would’ve thought that I would be struggling with this wonderful milestone, especially since I have been planning his 1st birthday since we found out we were having a boy (or maybe even before I became pregnant ;)). Today, I received my weekly “baby-development” message from babycenter.ca saying, “It is perfectly normal for parents to feel a mixture of pride at seeing how far you’ve come and sadness at how quickly your little one has gone from baby to toddler.” I’m so glad that I still subscribe to these updates. Its messages like this one that ease my worry that maybe I haven’t gone completely mad. If this white screen were a piece of paper, it would have wet wrinkly puddles of tears on it.

 

This past year with Ansh has been a whirlwind and has gone by way too quickly. Every mom says this, but that’s because it’s true. This year has been so many things. Exciting, happy, fearful, uncertainty, wonder, awe, amusement and so much more. It’s hard to even decide how or where to start explaining the feeling of this past year. To think I never even wanted kids and now we have this little one that I love so much!

 

My baby boy turns one today, and my heart just keeps exploding with fireworks. Every time he smiles, every time his mischievous eyes twinkle. Even in the wee hours of night, I have nothing but love in my heart for his little human.

 

Ansh has been more of a blessing to us than anyone could ever imagine. What a miracle it has been to experience seeing him in my belly as a teeny little spec and a little less than two years later a perfectly sweet and full of personality little boy.

I am pausing to soak up every last moment of this time and taking notes about all the tiny, little things that I love about my baby, who won’t be a baby for so much longer. I’m going to do some mom-bragging now.

I’m so proud of my little man. He is such a happy little boy with an active little mind. He has already accomplished so much. He has been swimming like a champ, he is a star in his music class, sleep trained, potty trained, and he’s very close to walking as well.

Here is a list of other fun Ansh-ism:

·         He loves to stand and has the proudest look on his face when he does. He can even walk along with furniture.

·         He loves climbing up stairs. He is so quick at it that sometimes you won’t even realise the gate was open and he slid from between your legs. He will then look back at you and give you a smile of accomplishment.

·         His favorite things to play with are remotes, the tissue box, credit cards, and garbage bags. We got him a toy remote to play with, but he was quick to figure out that the TV doesn’t operate with this one. He wants the “important” remote that his mom and dad are always fighting for ;)

·         He gives kisses. Not a lot of them, but when he does, he really means it. It melts me.

·         He doesn’t like baby food anymore. He only wants to eat what we eat, unless it’s bland baby food (yeah! We pretend to eat his food, so it would interest him).

·         He crawls at lightning speed, and throws everything lying in his way.

·         He laughs a lot. I haven’t met anyone who isn’t smitten by his laughter.

·         He has recently discovered how to open and close a door. It’s his favorite activity. He can do it all day long and then giggle as he does.

·         His eyes! His eyes are the most gorgeous piece of Gods’ creation ever. His eyelashes go on for miles. People have asked me if I curl his eyelashes ;) And the funniest thing is, he knows how to impress ladies with his eyes. He will bat his eyelashes and the twinkle in his eyes will do the rest.

·         He is the snuggliest baby there ever was

·         This little boy is such a doll! He can play by himself and be perfectly content. Though his time span for every activity is only 15 minutes and then needs a new place/ toy/ activity (I don’t mind entertaining him all day). He is the ultimate curious little person, observing anything and everything around him.

·         He loves to read books. He turns each page as if he is on a mission to find out what happens next.

Okay, I could go on and on and on, but you probably don’t really care. To be fair, I warned you that I was going to do some mom bragging.

I’d like to wrap up this first birthday post with a letter to my son:

 

My dear love puddle Ansh,

One year ago today, your dad and I received a precious gift – one that made our family rich and whole. You were almost 3 days overdue and we couldn’t wait to meet you.

If I’m being completely honest, I was getting a little impatient… okay maybe more than just a little. Your dad was convinced that you were going to arrive on his birthday and that’s exactly what happened. The perfect birthday present, he said.

You were an 8.1 pounds, perfectly gorgeous baby with a head full of hair and an infectious smile. I can remember the hours that followed were filled with complete and total bliss. You dad and nani were here to welcome you in person and everybody else on facetime fighting each other to see you. There was so much chaos as to who will hold you next and touch your sweet hands and feet.

Our first night at the hospital, you laid next to me while I watched you sleep. I felt the rhythm of your breathing. I gazed at the precious swoop of your nose, the soft flutter of your eyelashes, the length of your fingers, the curves of your cheeks. I soaked in all the little details of you. I promise I won’t do that when you’re a teenager.

 This has been the fastest year of my life.

It has flown by at such a speed that tears come to my eyes and my love-swollen heart silently sobs. How on earth are you one, my dear? I miss your tiny newborn body and its gentle weight as you lay on my chest. I miss your bobble head. I remember crying when I put away your newborn clothes. I didn’t want you to grow up. I remember telling your dad that you grow with every nap.

Yet I’m overjoyed you are a year old. I am so enjoying watching you grow and learn and play—and figuring out new twists of your personality—that I can only pretend to envision what our next year just might bring. I hope it goes more slowly.

How can I tell you how much I love you? How is any gift, or birthday cake or party enough to display to a child the enormous amount of love that a mother carries inside of her? It’s not. Though I really hope you enjoy your first birthday party. I’ve been planning it forever and I’m trying my best to make it a grand celebration.

There’s so much I want to say to you, so I do- when we’re rocking. Dozing off to sleep. Bath time. Massage time. Driving. You won’t remember any of those moments, so let me write them down. Maybe if I’m lucky you’ll read this when I’ve taken away your car because you’ve lost your damn teenage mind.

First thing first,, I want you to know how loved you are. Your dad and I love you to the moon and back, around the world and back, with every inch of our heart. I have this thing where I obsessively watch your breathing. Parenting is a torture. What kind of sickness is this motherhood love? It’s the kind of love that burns up from my chest until it catches in my throat.

You are also surrounded by grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends, admirers and well-wishers who love you like their own child. You are so fortunate to have this fortress of love around you.

When I breastfeed you (we had a rough start in the beginning- you can thank me with a Mercs when you get older), I like to place my hand on your head and stroke your cheek with my finger. It’s my favorite time to pray for you.

I want you to know that you I am not perfect (hard to imagine, I’m sure) but I’m trying to be the best mom I can be. I can only hope as we walk through life, that you will see my imperfections loudly enough to not make the same mistakes in your own upcoming years, but equally, I hope you see how hard I’m trying. I’ve never worked so hard at anything in my life. I want to teach you to stand on your own two feet, and make decisions for yourself. I want you to feel supported while being independent. Be a leader, and follow your heart. Always, ask questions. Explore. And always remember to laugh along the way.

There’s that damn love bound up in my throat again.

 I don’t want to freak you out, but there’s more. Our souls are bonded together forever. You’re stuck with me. I’m stuck with you. But you’re an independent person placed here on earth with a job to do completely separate from me. I don’t like this very much. It means there could be times when we are estranged, if you need elbow room to make your own mistakes. Maybe you’ll need to go to Europe to find yourself and you’ll call once a month with a weird tone. Maybe you’ll marry a girl named Baboosha with a teardrop tattoo on her face. Oh boy! I’m getting worked up just thinking about it.

I want to protect you with all my existence. Pain and owies. Cold and illness. Bullies. Social media. Heartbreak. School. Chubbiness and mean kids. Even though my love wants to put you in a bubble, I won’t. I promise. You might get mad at me, but we can take it. We’re stuck together, remember?

 A few more life lessons:

People who respect their elders reap unexpected blessings. If you need kindness, be kind. Feed someone who’s hungry. If you love someone, tell them often. CALL YOUR MOM EVERYDAY.

Because you won’t remember, I’ve written all things down.

My dear Ansh, no matter where you go, we will always be tied together with an invisible yet powerful string. You are deeply and unconditionally loved.

 Happy first birthday and many many more to come.

With a crazy love that makes me nuts inside,

You mama