Crazy Crash Course on India

This wasn’t supposed to be a post, rather an email response to a few friends who plan on taking a trip to India soon. But since this response got a little too interesting and funny that I decided to publish it here.

Thanks to Slumdog Millionaire, people now think of India as a poor, populated, polluted, and corrupt country. Child beggars pulling arms of the people on the streets, a bridegrooms procession in midst afternoon with the mercury soaring at 42 degrees Celsius, blaring loud speaker in the night enough to tear one’s ear drums, crazy honking vehicles, little boys serving tea in dirty clothes, pirated DVDs and CDs selling in the open, choked-full buses and trains, cars parked in no parking ones, etc. No doubt Danny Boyle made a fortune out of the miseries of Indians, but he ignored the positive side of our lives.

Here are a few regular questions that are shot at me, when it comes to traveling in India….

1.      Is it safe to travel to India? :

As a matter of fact, NO. India isn`t safe. We have 2000+ languages and 10+ religions which result in a lot of misunderstanding & confusion. I wouldn`t advise you to take this extreme step right away. I would suggest, you participate in Fear Factor, win it and then try a visit to India. Sometimes we even torture the moderator who comes in to solve our problems. We might gift you lemon pickle.

2.      How should one commute in India?

No matter how much people say that auto rickshaws are the best and safest way to travel, they aren`t. Their drivers are always on the look out for pale skins. After all, they are in the business of taking people for a ride.

Every auto rickshaw journey begins with fare negotiations. That’s easy to tackle if you know where you are, where you are going and how much would it cost. Remember, only because have managed to talk down the driver from Rs 200 that he quoted to Rs 180, you aren’t a winner here. You should know that no ride should ever cost you more than Rs100.

Here are a few tricks that would help you get past this situation:

a.    Learn these three words: “Bas”- meaning “stop”. “Seedha” meaning “go straight”. “Kitna?” meaning “How much?”.

By using these words you won’t convince him into believing that you are as local as him, and neither will you understand his answers to these questions. The reason for using these words is to make him doubt you’re a tourist fresh off the plane.

b.      Smile, relax and politely disagree

If the driver doesn’t agree on the same amount and quotes you some ridiculous fare, just smile, disagree and start walking away. You will be surprised how reasonable he becomes once he sees your back fading away.

c.       Call him Bhaiya (Big Brother)

Yup, we Indians aren’t very fussy about only calling our own brothers “brother”. Every man who might be a threat to us, or who won’t give up easy, or whom you genuinely respect, or who holds some authoritative position, is a “bhaiya” to us. For example, Auto rickshaw driver, street food vendors, Bus drivers, Police officer and even a possible eve teaser suspect would be a “bhaiya”.

After all, we grew up pledging “Every Indian is my brother and sister” every morning.

Bhaiya is a weapon of coercion unparalleled in Western linguistics.

3.      What is the safest place to stay in India?

Staying under the bridge is definitely not a good idea though you will see 10% of India living there. Staying with an Indian friend would be the best idea. Unlike many other countries where a guest needs to call up and arrive and also mention the time by when he/she will leave…in India, guests are God. Remember, this doesn`t mean that you will get to smoke and drink inside the house. Apart from this, if your wallets permit, staying in a hotel would be my suggestion. The pampering, the luxury treatment and the spoiling of Indian hotels are second to none.

4.      How do I find addresses in India?

If you have the luxury of hiring a driver, that would be the best way. But if you don`t have that luxury, the best way to find an address in India would be to get it written down on a piece of paper in Hindi or the regional language of the area (one of the 2000+ languages that`s spoken in the country) before setting out.

Google has to come a long way to map all the roads of India, hence we rely on a pretty ingenious system: Ask people.

The right people to ask for directions would be people sitting under trees, people having chai at the tea stall, people smoking at the bus stop or people just standing opposite Girls high schools & colleges.

No one gives complete directions and no one seems to expect them- rather, they’re given in broad directions that will get you close enough to find someone else who knows it better.

The instructions are always ‘go straight and turn right` because we Indians always believe in what is right. I would recommend confirming the directions given by Person 1 by asking a Person 2, for sometimes…we Indians consider every foreigner to be British and thus try to punish him/her for ruling us by sending them in the opposite direction. ;)

Warning: Do not start to panic if your rickshaw driver leaves you in the vehicle in the middle of a busy street to confirm the directions from a street vendor.

5.      Does India have electricity?

No, we don`t have electricity. All those stories of India`s Information Technology Enabled Services sector worth 40 billion annually is a white lie. Our computers run on Gobar gas (Bio Gas)

6.      Do people use mobile phones in India?

No, we don`t have mobile phones. In fact, the last phone that was photographed in India was brought in by George Bush as a gift for our Prime Minister Dr Manmohan Singh. But since we don`t have telecom operators, Dr Singh uses it like a watch. We all carry small drums wherever we go and convey our messages by drumming. We have codes for every possible scenario….for example, 186 loud hits on the drum means the person drumming is in danger and 1239 hits on the drum mean the nearby building is on fire. For long distance messaging we climb a hill or one of the bridges. Sometimes we also climb trees, but that`s only if the mango season is on. However, you can bring your mobile phone to India. If it doesn`t get stolen and sold in the chor bazaar, you can use it to check time and date.

7.      Do people understand English in India?

No we do not understand English. English was announced as our Official language to trick white skinned people on getting their investments in India. The best bet for you would be to learn our regional languages. If you don`t know the language, then keep mum. If you have come to India with a lot of Melanin, you stand a good chance of learning our language. There is another way around…if you are a girl and are pretty; you can join a Reality Shows on television. Since you are a girl, every man on the show will come to your rescue and teach you Hindi.

8.      What should I avoid eating in India?

India is a paradise for street food. It’s also heaven for spices. To balance them both, you may want to avoid gol gappa (my personal favorite street food and the reason I wanted to marry a gol gappa vendor ;)) - but make sure not to miss the sidewalk chai. Pick a vendor who has other customers, and as long as you see it boiled before your eyes; you have nothing to worry about.

Also, when you step out to eat in the dhabas (local restaurant), it might be a good idea to steal your eyes against the sights that might want you to run with waving hand for the first flight back home.

There have been times when I have cursed my bladder for forcing me to see the sight inside the restaurant bathrooms right before I ate.

There have been times at a trendy restaurant when a mouse ran across the feet of the four people seated across from me. The chorus line that occurred as they all kicked would have been funny if I hadn’t been so busy jumping on my own seat as well. J

But all this did not deter us from enjoying my meals.

It would be a good idea to relax your sanitary standards a bit, to be able to enjoy the most unforgettable meals.

Learn to follow the reaction of people around you. If nobody else seems bothered by what was revealed when the kitchen door swung open, why should you?

9.      Will I get medicines in India, or should I pack everything from here?

Nope, we don`t have medicines. Since all our doctors are in US, UK, Canada and Gulf…we are being forced to live our life without doctors. Not that we care, we just walk up the mountain whenever we are suffering from fever, pluck the purple flowers, walk back in the heat, grind it to a paste and then eat it to cure ourselves of the viral fever. We have eradicated Chicken pox and Polio from our country by adopting these measures.

10.  A few other pointers to keep in mind?

Foreigners are, well, foreigners in India. So sometimes you’ll get stared at. Sometimes you’ll get cheated. Sometimes you’ll get pushed to the front of the queue even though a dozen equally worth people are in line in front of you. Sometimes someone will ask to shake your hand for no reason. Sometimes someone will shove a baby in your arms and pose you for a photo.

In most of these cases, you will feel uncomfortable. You’ll want to cross your arms, and furrow your brow.

Don’t!

No matter what happens, smile. Relax! Have fun! Go with it. Nothing bad will happen to you when you do, but you will miss many great experiences if you don’t.