This wasn’t supposed to be a post, rather an
email response to a few friends who plan on taking a trip to India soon. But
since this response got a little too interesting and funny that I decided to
publish it here.
Thanks to Slumdog Millionaire, people now
think of India as a poor, populated, polluted, and corrupt country. Child
beggars pulling arms of the people on the streets, a bridegrooms procession in
midst afternoon with the mercury soaring at 42 degrees Celsius, blaring loud
speaker in the night enough to tear one’s ear drums, crazy honking vehicles,
little boys serving tea in dirty clothes, pirated DVDs and CDs selling in the
open, choked-full buses and trains, cars parked in no parking ones, etc. No
doubt Danny Boyle made a fortune out of the miseries of Indians, but he ignored
the positive side of our lives.
Here are a few regular questions that are
shot at me, when it comes to traveling in India….
1.
Is it safe to travel to India? :
As a matter
of fact, NO. India isn`t safe. We have 2000+ languages and 10+ religions which
result in a lot of misunderstanding & confusion. I wouldn`t advise you to
take this extreme step right away. I would suggest, you participate in Fear Factor, win it and
then try a visit to India. Sometimes we even torture the moderator who comes in
to solve our problems. We might gift you lemon pickle.
2.
How should one commute in India?
No matter
how much people say that auto rickshaws are the best and safest way to travel,
they aren`t. Their drivers are always on the look out for pale skins. After
all, they are in the business of taking people for a ride.
Every auto
rickshaw journey begins with fare negotiations. That’s easy to tackle if you
know where you are, where you are going and how much would it cost. Remember,
only because have managed to talk down the driver from Rs 200 that he quoted to
Rs 180, you aren’t a winner here. You should know that no ride should ever cost
you more than Rs100.
Here are a
few tricks that would help you get past this situation:
a. Learn these
three words: “Bas”- meaning “stop”. “Seedha” meaning “go straight”. “Kitna?”
meaning “How much?”.
By using these words you won’t convince him into believing that
you are as local as him, and neither will you understand his answers to these
questions. The reason for using these words is to make him doubt you’re a
tourist fresh off the plane.
b. Smile, relax
and politely disagree
If the driver doesn’t agree on the same amount and quotes you some
ridiculous fare, just smile, disagree and start walking away. You will be
surprised how reasonable he becomes once he sees your back fading away.
c. Call him
Bhaiya (Big Brother)
Yup, we Indians aren’t very fussy about only calling our own
brothers “brother”. Every man who might be a threat to us, or who won’t give up
easy, or whom you genuinely respect, or who holds some authoritative position,
is a “bhaiya” to us. For example, Auto rickshaw driver, street food vendors,
Bus drivers, Police officer and even a possible eve teaser suspect would be a
“bhaiya”.
After all, we grew up pledging “Every Indian is my brother and
sister” every morning.
Bhaiya is a weapon of coercion unparalleled in Western
linguistics.
3.
What is the safest place to stay in India?
Staying
under the bridge is definitely not a good idea though you will see 10% of India
living there. Staying with an Indian friend would be the best idea. Unlike many
other countries where a guest needs to call up and arrive and also mention the
time by when he/she will leave…in India, guests are God. Remember, this doesn`t
mean that you will get to smoke and drink inside the house. Apart from this, if
your wallets permit, staying in a hotel would be my suggestion. The pampering,
the luxury treatment and the spoiling of Indian hotels are second to none.
4.
How do I find addresses in India?
If you have
the luxury of hiring a driver, that would be the best way. But if you don`t
have that luxury, the best way to find an address in India would be to get it
written down on a piece of paper in Hindi or the regional language of the area
(one of the 2000+ languages that`s spoken in the country) before setting out.
Google has
to come a long way to map all the roads of India, hence we rely on a pretty
ingenious system: Ask people.
The right
people to ask for directions would be people sitting under trees, people having
chai at the tea stall, people smoking at the bus stop or people just
standing opposite Girls high schools & colleges.
No one gives
complete directions and no one seems to expect them- rather, they’re given in
broad directions that will get you close enough to find someone else who knows
it better.
The
instructions are always ‘go straight and turn right` because we Indians always
believe in what is right. I would recommend confirming the directions given by
Person 1 by asking a Person 2, for sometimes…we Indians consider every
foreigner to be British and thus try to punish him/her for ruling us by sending
them in the opposite direction. ;)
Warning: Do
not start to panic if your rickshaw driver leaves you in the vehicle in the
middle of a busy street to confirm the directions from a street vendor.
5.
Does India have electricity?
No, we don`t
have electricity. All those stories of India`s Information Technology Enabled
Services sector worth 40 billion annually is a white lie. Our computers run on
Gobar gas (Bio Gas)
6. Do people use mobile phones in India?
No, we don`t
have mobile phones. In fact, the last phone that was photographed in India was
brought in by George Bush as a gift for our Prime Minister Dr Manmohan Singh.
But since we don`t have telecom operators, Dr Singh uses it like a watch. We
all carry small drums wherever we go and convey our messages by drumming. We
have codes for every possible scenario….for example, 186 loud hits on the drum
means the person drumming is in danger and 1239 hits on the drum mean the
nearby building is on fire. For long distance messaging we climb a hill or one
of the bridges. Sometimes we also climb trees, but that`s only if the mango
season is on. However, you can bring your mobile phone to India. If it doesn`t
get stolen and sold in the chor bazaar, you can use it to check time and date.
7.
Do people understand English in India?
No we do not
understand English. English was announced as our Official language to trick
white skinned people on getting their investments in India. The best bet for
you would be to learn our regional languages. If you don`t know the language,
then keep mum. If you have come to India with a lot of Melanin, you stand
a good chance of learning our language. There is another way around…if you are
a girl and are pretty; you can join a Reality Shows on television. Since you
are a girl, every man on the show will come to your rescue and teach you Hindi.
8.
What should I avoid eating in India?
India is a
paradise for street food. It’s also heaven for spices. To balance them both,
you may want to avoid gol gappa (my personal favorite street food and the
reason I wanted to marry a gol gappa vendor ;)) - but make sure not to miss the
sidewalk chai. Pick a vendor who has other customers, and as long as you see it
boiled before your eyes; you have nothing to worry about.
Also, when
you step out to eat in the dhabas (local restaurant), it might be a good idea
to steal your eyes against the sights that might want you to run with waving
hand for the first flight back home.
There have
been times when I have cursed my bladder for forcing me to see the sight inside
the restaurant bathrooms right before I ate.
There have
been times at a trendy restaurant when a mouse ran across the feet of the four
people seated across from me. The chorus line that occurred as they all kicked
would have been funny if I hadn’t been so busy jumping on my own seat as well. J
But all this
did not deter us from enjoying my meals.
It would be
a good idea to relax your sanitary standards a bit, to be able to enjoy the
most unforgettable meals.
Learn to
follow the reaction of people around you. If nobody else seems bothered by what
was revealed when the kitchen door swung open, why should you?
9.
Will I get medicines in India, or should I pack everything from
here?
Nope, we
don`t have medicines. Since all our doctors are in US, UK, Canada and Gulf…we
are being forced to live our life without doctors. Not that we care, we just
walk up the mountain whenever we are suffering from fever, pluck the purple
flowers, walk back in the heat, grind it to a paste and then eat it to cure
ourselves of the viral fever. We have eradicated Chicken pox and Polio from our
country by adopting these measures.
10. A few other
pointers to keep in mind?
Foreigners
are, well, foreigners in India. So sometimes you’ll get stared at. Sometimes
you’ll get cheated. Sometimes you’ll get pushed to the front of the queue even
though a dozen equally worth people are in line in front of you. Sometimes
someone will ask to shake your hand for no reason. Sometimes someone will shove
a baby in your arms and pose you for a photo.
In most of
these cases, you will feel uncomfortable. You’ll want to cross your arms, and furrow
your brow.
Don’t!
No matter what
happens, smile. Relax! Have fun! Go with it. Nothing bad will happen to you
when you do, but you will miss many great experiences if you don’t.
